A gift for a friend's new baby

For the first few weeks everyone speaks to her as a mother. They ask about sleep, weight and vaccinations. Almost nobody asks how she is. A close friend is the one person who might.

What is happening to her

She has not disappeared. She is still the person you travelled with, argued with at two in the morning and laughed with until it hurt. All of that has simply been pushed aside for a while, and she is now addressed by her new role.

This is not a tragedy and not a reason for pity. But a present that remembers who she was lands exactly right at this moment.

Everyone is bringing things for the baby

Sleepsuits, blankets, toys, bath sets — all of it arrives with or without you, several of each. A year later none of it is left: baby things are used up and outgrown.

Meanwhile she may not receive a single present addressed to her in all these weeks. Which is exactly why one gets noticed.

A present that does both at once

There is an option that does not force a choice between her and the baby. A handmade collectible bear with the child's name and birth date embroidered on it officially arrives for the baby, but it is given to her — and she reads that instantly.

Because an object like this cannot be picked up on the way. It is chosen, thought about and ordered in advance. That is the message.

Why handmade specifically

• There is one of it. A hand stitch never repeats: no other bear is quite this one.
• Nobody will duplicate it. While everyone else brings the same sets, yours is the only one of its kind.
• It stays. Mohair and wood-wool stuffing do not shed or yellow. In thirty years the bear will still be there.
• Anything can be embroidered on it. The name, the date, and something that belongs to the two of you.

Where to hide what only you two know

This is the best part. The bear's clothing can carry a detail only she will understand: the city you travelled to together, the flower from her favourite mug, a line from a joke you have been repeating for years.

Everyone else will see a beautiful bear. She will see that you forgot nothing. Objects like this get shown to the grown child later, to explain who the woman in all the photographs is.

Honestly about the first year

A collectible bear is not a toy for an infant. Fine embroidery and accessories want gentle handling, so for the first years it stands on a shelf and moves into the child's hands at around five or six.

Here that is a good thing: it stays in sight and in the house instead of disappearing into the toy box.

When to give it

Not on the first day. Better a couple of weeks later, once the stream of visitors has thinned and the flat is quiet. That is usually the moment she most needs someone to come and see her rather than the baby.

What to write

A few handwritten lines to her. Not congratulations to the family, but a letter to a person you have known for years. That is the present; the bear is only its physical half.